Witness314's Blog

Never love the girl, Love the moments with her…

witness314 — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 03:48:17 +0000

So I’m sorry to say after a year and a half I still miss and love my ex-fiance. It makes me mad that I do cause I’m pretty sure she doesn’t at all. I guess I just hate that fact that I knew she was the one. I mean we were a perfect couple and the last 7 or so months we had problems I did some shit so did she. The most fucked up part is I’ve learned about myself that my achilles heal is love. I’m a strong guy as far as emotions and being vulnerable goes but really a year and a half? C’mon I don’t think I really have ever been in love until her. What’s really weird is I have ex’s coming from everywhere trying to get at me and it means nothing. I have new girls trying to get at me and it still means nothing. There are girls now that I never thought would talk to me, I mean beautiful women that are DTF”down to fuck” and I don’t want to, she is still more beautiful to me. Like I said I hate the fact that I’m not over her but I truly don’t want to forget her or hate her to forget her, but on a daily basis I think of her smile and her eyes. I know she doesn’t need a man in her life just like I don’t need a women in mine. We’re born alone we die alone but I wanted to share my life with her and still do. I know we’re never gonna get back together no matter how much my heart would want me to believe other wise, but she was my best friend and I don’t have that anymore. I just don’t get how all the things we said to each other don’t mean shit anymore, people don’t try for each other like they use to, don’t sacrifice like my grandparents did. She never told me what she wanted and I always said the wrong things to stop the fights. I now hate the saying”you don’t know what you have til it’s gone” cause it’s true. She doesn’t understand how I had to lose her to know what she meant to me. My only answer is I just did. I want to talk to her and talk about how all I want is another chance but she won’t. I don’t get it i’ve seen guys get married on death row, women take back their sex addict husbands, buys who beat their wives and almost killed them but get a 2nd chance and yes I agree those women are idiots for doing the shit. But I was ready to give her the world and would have broke my neck trying to and she left. She left the day after my son left and it was the 1st time I saw him in his 1st 5 years since the adoption. Everyone tells me she didn’t love me or someone that did love me wouldn’t have done anything like that to me. My head hears and agrees but like I said my heart won’t give up on her. And if you know me I wear my heart on my sleeve and it always wins. There’s one thing I would always tell her. We’d be laying in bed looking at each other and she would ask “Baby how do you know your gonna love me when I get older and out of shape?” I’d look her in the eyes and tell her sweetheart I know cause when I close my eyes and hold your hand your gonna feel just like you feel now and when I look at you all I’m gonna see is you the person I love. I’ve never said that to anyone but I said it to her and it’s still true. I still have days where I want to sleep the whole day away cause I miss her or think about her non-stop. I hate that I do it i wish I could erase the 5 1/2 years we had so I could be over her. I don’t have any regrets in my life besides breaking her heart and thats soo real. Everything I’ve done in my life has made me who I am now but the only thing I learned from this is heartbreak, confusion, and feeling alone. I’m a strong guy but this definitely has brought out the bitch in me. I know if we were every to get back together she would want the old me, shit talker, sarcastic but still let her know she was the one. Honestly I’ve beat myself up abut her so much that when I do get around her I still try to make up for hurting her not talking into account that she fucked up just as much if not more at this point. I forgive her but no I will never forget I know underneath it all I’m the same person but when I needed her most she abandoned me. We are all human and we make mistakes but this shit with her I don’t understand and I may never she never told me what she wanted and I’m not a mind reader that was a big problem. Communication was an issue but I know married people with worse issues. I guess the thing that fucks with my head ladies is by far women you are the most beautiful and sexiest thing known to man, but there’s something fucked up about your thought process. Not all women but it seems like a lot these days. You say you want a good man that will be good to you love you and treat you right. But when that guy comes you either don’t give him the time of day or you treat him like shit. Women go for the guy that’s gonna cheat on her and use her and whatever else, not only that but if he leaves her she’ll fight for him and try to make shit work. Good guys with jobs and ambition get kicked to the curb while assholes with issues get all the love. I know since I’ve been single I tried the asshole approach and the shit works like no other. It’s not who I am but it works none the less. I got with 2 girls who are best friends and they knew about it didn’t care as long as I acted like a dick to them, still talking to them and they still wanna get smashed. If I wold have came at them and been nice like a gentleman like I normally do it would have never happened. Women just decide what you want. Anyways I was with my ex so long that when she left it felt like a divorce I miss her family, her best friend, and her just like I miss my family. And I have our valentines day puppy as a constant reminder of her, how nice of her to take everything except things that don’t remind her of us and leave them with me. that’s it that was my sob story. back to drinking and trying to hate her now wish me luck.

Freedom is free… You just gotta think that way

witness314 — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 10:15:02 +0000

So recently I took a month off work, I had some money saved and decided to just do me, try things and do some of the things I always wanted to do. After a vacation to cali and a few more weeks off I wondered why can’t life be like this? I’ve always wanted what I like to call a “Big Boy” job which is a career. Now that I had so much time off I realized I wanted it on my own terms. Thinking about it now just frustrated me. Why can’t I do what I want to do when I wanted. People do it all the time, they get fed up about their life and do something about it, I think their called “Dreamers”. Anyway thinking about the way life works at a conventional job doesn’t make sense to me anymore. It never really did to begin with honestly, So answer this question, Why can’t people do what they want and feel free like we were meant to? It’s funny people are told if you go to school, get good grades, and get a good job, your then rewarded. With what? If you stay at a job, work 40 hrs a week for 30 or 40 years then you can retire at the end of your life and live off a small retirement and whatever you saved, which is also funny cause the average american doesn’t save any money they make, they also spend 110% of what they make. Which means they spend more than they make and that means there in debt. What makes the whole situation worse is that your suppose to be working for a better life. The way we’re taught to do this is make companies more money off our hard work and if you make them money they’ll give you more for doing it. In some cases we’re making them more money than we will ever see in our life. I personally have worked a few jobs, some of them dead end, some had room for advancement but they were all built off the same model. Make the company money while you get paid as little as possible. Sorry maybe a bonus. Well if I’m working for a company growing their business helping them get bigger and bigger one would think I’d get more money? Now the main reason I’m writing this is simple. A few years back I was fortunate enough to know what I wanted in life. It wasn’t cars, houses, women, cloths. It was easy, I want to live life. That means do things I wanted to do when I wanted with people I loved and cared about, take trips and enjoy being free without freaking out how I was gonna pay for it. Like I said I got a taste of what that was a couple years back, being with my best friend, wanting to enjoy a life with them, and being able to enjoy eachother and be us not just when we got home to each other but all the time. We loved to be around each other and just be us be big kids, sleep in, be silly, laugh together, and make fun of ourselves. How hard is that to do when your doing it with someone you love? That sounds like an amazing life to me. I never wanted to stress out that if we had kids about not enough time with them or for us and with a standard job how we were gonna do it. To me that’s not much to ask. So at the age of 26 that’s what I want. I don’t want to work to hopefully see whoever my future wife is that night or to hopefully see my kids. I want a life were instead of working all the time to maybe see my wife and kids a few hours a day to knowing I’m available to be their whenever I’m needed. I don’t want to miss things or get told about things after they happen I want to be there. I want to have the adult play dates where me and her sleep in, have brunch, go shopping, act silly all day and when we’re done are able to pick up our kids together right when their out of school. That to me is happiness and that to me is freedom. I want to give them real advantages parents who are their. Who says I can’t and who says I don’t have the right to want that for my family? Why is that suppose to be out of the question for an everyday person? Like I said I’ve worked bullshit jobs and they got me nowhere. Why not for once instead of working a dead end job try to follow a dream and work for yourself? The worst that can happen is you don’t succed but then again how many times have you failed at something but still tried? You can fail at anything so why not at least try? If you do fail and give up on a dream Then go back to your bullshit job and settle, but at least try 1st. But if you do succeed you can live the life you once thought was unattainable, then look around and wonder why no one else is doing it. You can be the one in the hummer not giving a damn about gas prices, not caring you dropped a few grand on your kids one day, and no not christmas, like tuesday after school, the type of money where you can surprise your wife with whatever SUV she wants on a random day cause you can. The type of freedom that allows you to quit your day job and let your wife do the same, so you can just hang out with her go on family trips. Do the things you always wanted to do but do it together, cause when you do it together that’s what makes them memories. Have those days where you can sleep in with your best friend and you can act like big kids all day and when the kids wake up you can act like big kids with them too. All I’m saying is Dream big… The reason people don’t do this is because they way the world teaches you is you have to do it a certain way. Why would any company want you to not do it their way. If you do it their way that gives them an unlimited supply of people to work for them at a low wage to make them money. And that makes you a number, not only that but a number that can be replaced by “wait for it” another number. Katt williams said it best “You have to look out for your star player” You. If you don’t look out for you and your family, who will? The craziest thing about this is the better you do the more people hate that your not on their level, people want you to be as miserable as they are. If you don’t have haters then your doing something wrong! You have to have haters that’s how you know your doing something right how ridiculous is that? But it’s true. I know I’m doing well when I see someone and I get a glare, a dirty look, or them talking trash to their friends about me… Good! Do that, cause that’s means their jealous of what I am and what I stand for. You can see Someone’s swagger like the sunrise, but what you can’t see sometimes is the fake people in your life that hate on you under your breath. Can’t knock the hustle you just gotta pursue what makes you happy and follow your dreams.

Thoughts about something or nothing…

witness314 — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 08:55:45 +0000

Two things I always have to tell myself is “the hardest thing about life is to live it” & “Where ever you go there you are”. Now I didn’t start a blog to be extra fucking deep or anything but… Sometimes you need something to get your thoughts out and make sense of them or a place to keep them so you remember that you said that to hopefully keep you sane later in life. The reason those 2 things mean so much to me is because it can go either way. They can be as simple as you want or if you think about it those to sayings can mean more. I got where ever you go there you are from some comedy when I was like 12 or 13 & use to say it as a joke, but the more I thought about it the more it meant. For instance at 1st I would talk to friends and say it randomly like after a party I’d say ”hey remember where ever you go there you are” and they’d be like yeah no shit mother fucker, or what the fuck does that mean. which is funny when your talking to drunk people lol. Anyway now I look at it like you can’t really hide from shit. So if I fuck up, if I get fired from a job, if I’m depressed, happy, feel lost or alone in a room full of people, There I am. You can never truly get away from it all. No matter where you are even if your alone your always gonna be right there with your thoughts and how you feel at that moment, hence “where ever you go there you are”.

Now as far as ” the hardest part about life is living it” that obviously a bit more self explanatory. No matter who you are your gonna have bad days good days, fucked up days and amazing days, fuck it even unbelievable days. But everyone has em’. I don’t give a fuck if your Diddy or if your a paralyzed anal fluffer on the set of a porn and all you do is stick your tongue in a pornstars ass all day that’s had anal sex with 8 or 9 guys that day! By the way that’s gross as FUCK. Shit that’s happened in Sean”Diddy”Combs life & your life may not be as far off as one might think. I’m positive that if those 2 types of people met they would have more in common than someone would think and they would be able to relate to one another. I guess my point is that people are people. I hurt and love just like someone else. Something has happened to someone in budapest that I’ve never met and that same event never happened to me. Not even remotely close, not even a lil bit. But I’m positive that something has happened to me that if we both told each other our stories we can relate cause of past events. So what I’m saying is now people want to be so different and feel like their situation is so radically different than someone else I guess to feel validated as an individual, who knows? What they don’t see is that the things that make us different make us the same. Everyone lives life and everyone goes through some version of something that’s will invoke certain emotions and make you feel a certain way. It might not happen exactly how some one else did but sometimes you don’t have to go through what someone else went through to feel what they feel. So “the hardest part about life IS living it”, we all go through ups and downs but that’s the point we all go through it. As much as where different we are the same.

Ok I’m tired, and my dog is yawning next to me so that means bedtime. Hopefully I’ll have something smart to say later or this will be my 1st & last blog.